This morning I dreamt that someone who I care very deeply about passed away. In the last couple years I've had dreams where my emotions in the dream are affected by my conscious; knowing how reality might affect the dream, or the dream affect reality. To contextualise this, my last conversation with the person who passed was a few months ago and didn't end well.
It was a tricky one because I didn't feel and still do not feel that it's my fault but that's neither here nor there. I actually don't care about that anymore but it was an important point to bring up for what's to follow.
Needless to say, when I woke up, I messaged them straight away to check that they're well and had a little prayer for them. My initial thought was to say "God forbid you die" but I'm very in touch with the notion of death. Everybody dies. Accept it. It's a part of life. However, premature death is not something we want. We want people to live a full life. To really live. Have experiences. A career. A family. Die fulfilled, or as fulfilled as one can be. Not in their 20s.
I've experienced two premature deaths. A childhood primary school friend when I was 15 and a secondary school friend at 19. The latter had the greatest effect on me. It probably influenced everything I think about death but it's something I don't really like discussing openly, preferring to embed my thoughts on semi-taboo topics like this in my scripts. Besides, I don't have one clear line of thought. I have a number of thoughts and perspectives. Bloody gemini. Actually, if you do want to know my thoughts, look out for information on my next play and come watch it as it's all about death! I digress...
In the death of my peer at 19, one thing that I noted and had a huge impact on my life was the realisation that it seemed that nobody had any unresolved issues with him. That's kind of guy he was; he didn't really argue with anybody and on the rare occasion I ever saw him get angry, it would dissolve shortly after. A happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
From then onwards I vowed that I wouldn't bare grudges. Let things go. Make peace with people. It's easier said than done but when possible, do. But at the same time, be weary that the peace isn't always yours to make. That's not to say be stubborn, but realistically there are times when the ball just isn't in one's court in such a circumstance. A perfect example being when you've been wronged and the person is unwilling to understand their wrong. We're only humans with emotions that we must live with and the truth is, we can't always forget about something and pretend it didn't happen, especially with a lack of remorse. But as long as it isn't eating you up inside, then get by. Just be mindful of pride, make sure you're able to distinguish between it and being rational. If it's rational, then run with it.
I would hate for someone to die and I know that our last conversation ended on a bad note as much as I would hate to die and be the reason why someone had to live the rest of their lives with a heavy heart. It's actually the advice I always give people in such situations, to just try and resolve things. Life is too short and "nothing is ever promised tomorrow, today," they say.
So this morning, I took my own.
Currently listening to: Kendrick Lamar - She Needs Me (Remix) feat. Dom Kennedy & Murs (no idea who the fella is below but fair play to him)